Clamming up Instead of Rising up

My mom’s birthday was today. I don’t know if it was the fact that it is her birthday, or just some other thoughts I’ve had lately about womanhood and motherhood, but something put it in me that I should be thanking and praising her more.

“Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.” I saw this verse in new light today. This isn’t just the pro-activeness of the mother’s virtues that somehow causes “you are blessed” to burble out of her children like fizz in an elementary classroom volcano. No, this rising up is the initiation of the kids, in response to their mother’s virtue. They rise up, call people’s attention with the clink of a glass, “Ahem, ahem, ladies and gentlemen,” and speak of the virtuous facets of their mother.

Except I wasn’t quite that bold. The restaurant was noisy and full of people. I don’t make speeches very well in front of my family. So, into the gift I gave her, I slipped a card on which I had put some scribblings of what I hoped were thoughtful praises. She opened it and read it, that permanent, sweet smile on her face that always shows up when there is the least bit of a reason to be glad. The table was silent as they watched her read. After glancing over her shoulder, my dad explained to everyone else that I had “written her an essay.” That awkwardness that always arises when someone reads in front of you something you wrote, suddenly bubbled and boiled over, and I slurped on my straw for good measure. Unfortunately, the Lord saw fit to place no water in my straw except for some ill-begotten droplets, which went immediately into my lungs, which gave me the lucky role of hacking and coughing and spewing and barking until every droplet rued the day it ended up in my straw. I’ve never been good at filling a silence. My mom got to the end of the card, and thanked me for it with shining violet eyes.

I don’t know if it said everything I wanted it to say. It probably didn’t. I don’t know if it said anything that she needed to hear. It might have. I do know that it’s been much too long since I’ve tried to tell her thank you. And I do hope, and will intentionally try, to not clam up so much when I should be rising up.

Advertisements

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s